On October 28th, I underwent surgery in my upper and lower jaws. One month later, I am halfway down the road to recovery. The journey thus far —from feeling major pain, to learning how to eat again— has been one that's required patience, creativity, and self-reflection.
Being ill and experiencing significant weakness in my body taught me a lesson in real life. I know that I was not alone in my journey, for there people all over the world who, at this very moment, are suffering and in pain due their health. And so my words are dedicated to those who who are in the world of the sick, the ill, and the incapacitated.
Being ill taught me how to be vulnerable and be ok with my feelings of insecurity.
For a while I had bruises all over my face and neck. I was swollen, and I and I felt...Ugly. I didn't always want to be seen. I felt very dependent on people, and still do in some ways. I cried on my own, sometimes from frustation with eating, or boredom with my liquid diet, or just about the fact that I moved so slowly. But I had to share that with people openly. At first I was shy about it, but it made it easier for me to get through it. I had to openly talk about my vulnerabilities, and be emotionally authentic. I didn't have the energy or motivation to fake it.
Being ill taught me to how to listen to my body.
The old cliche of "your body is your temple" rang so true for me. In my healthy life, I move fast, sleep little, eat on the run, skip meals, and overall — put my body through the ringer. I cannot do that in my current state, and it has taught me to be more aware of what my body needs at a particular moment. Sometimes that's a nap, or a hot bath, or sitting down to slowly eat a meal. I keep it simple. And do one thing at a time.
Being ill taught me how to forgive.
This was one of the most meaningful and painful lessons for me. One of my dearest friends was not there for me as I had expected. Even members of my close family didn't call. I was hurt by this, and my anger turned into resentment. And that resentment festered. I would lay for hours in bed thinking about how I had been forgotten, by people who I loved dearly. I missed them, but I was too proud to call them. "They knew I had gotten surgery, why didn't they call me?" I would ask myself. And slowly, I began to construct stories in my head about why these people had forgotten me, and that only made the monsters stronger.
I had to reflect back on where I had learned this practice —this thing I was doing to myself— and guess what? I had learned it from one my parents. I remembered back to the time when I was a child, and feeling a void in my childhood because I had not met one of my grandmothers. Sadly, I didn't get to meet her until I was 25 years old because my parent held a grudge for 25 years - yes, 25 years! I only met my grandmother when she was on her death bed. At the very least, I'm thankful for holding her and saying goodbye on the day she passed.
What I realized is how little I knew about forgiveness. So I poked around, and found an affirmation that changed my view. It was simple, yet so true. It said:
Forgiveness is a gift I know give to myself and those around me. Forgiving makes me feel light and free. The more resentment I release, the more love I have to express. I am releasing the painful ties that bind me to you, by forgiving you.
So I contacted my friend with whom I was angriest, and I forgave him — because I wanted to allow love to come into my life. This negative feeling I had was taking up more and more space in my heart and in my mind, and I wanted to release it. It was growing and I was letting it grow to the point where I would get increasingly furious. I wanted to forgive so that I could embrace positive energy. And I wanted to stop defining the person by their mistakes, because I would never want that done to me. It was hard to do, but I pushed myself.
And almost miraculously, I felt so much better. I felt happy again, I felt in control of my emotions, and I felt free. I realized it was taking me so much more energy to hold on to a rotten feeling than it was to let it go. Only by releasing the past, was I able to embrace my present. And my gift of forgiveness to this person led to a beautiful conversation and to an abundance of love. It was a tranformative moment for me and taught me the way in which I can reflect on my feelings before giving into them.
I encourage you to forgive someone in your life.
(artwork by favianna)
